30 April 2009

it comes n go..
in a sight of moon..
at it comes, warm fills in..
heat up the surrounding within..
as it goes..
cool sweeps in..
shiver starts from within..
& d pounding inside..
was never apart..

24 April 2009

Hello! Myspace Comments
Hi to u too panda dear

NEVER Give UP

24th APril

today x der mood nk gi class.. but i need to go.. as amanah rakyat n negara dipikul..

n pegi nyer ke lec proj hari ni x rugi..

at least boleh la aku dakwah skit dlm kelas to coursemate aku..

dier mintak tgk tafsir quran english yang aku letak atas desk lecture hall seat tu..

n sedikit sebyk citer la pasal islam, christian n jew..

huhu..

biarpun mereka yang bergelar akhwat ni mengsupress diri untuk wat dakwah kat group pilihan...

aku tidak boleh membiarkan diri aku di supress oleh mereka..

biarlah aku sampaikan dakwah kepada masyarakat umum itu juga.. kalau mereka x nak..

sebab nanti akan dipersoalkan... kenapa kebenaran tidak sampai pada sekumpulan msykt kaffirun ini... apa aku nak jawab.. ? tak kan nak jawab sekadar.. sebab aku dah join jemaah a.b.c, jadi aku x leh menyebarkan islam itu pada kumpulan lain..
NO, it should never be that way..

ini jalan ku..
mengajak kepada Mu..

biarlah mereka meneglect diri ku..
membiarkan aku tanpa kerja dakwah..
sudah penat air mata mengalir mengenangkan nasib diri..

perlu aku bergerak proaktif..

biarkan mereka..

kerana islam ini pilihan ku...
ini jalanku..
aku pilih untuk mengajak kepada kebenaran..
biarpun masyarakat memandang rendah pada aku..
yang penting, darjat aku di sisi tuhan ku...
Rabbulalamin..

bismillah.. dengan namamu diri melangkah..

ikhlaskan diriku dalam setiap amalanku..
perkenankanlah Allah...permintaan hambaMu di sini bersendiri...

21 April 2009

huuhuu....

manusia itu ibarat logam..
yang baik semasa jahiliyah, akan terbaik semasa islam..
sekiranya mereka faham..

______________________________________________

aku sedar sape aku...

bodoh, ngade2.. degil.. x boleh dipercayai.. x boleh diharap..

ya Allah...

bantulah diriku ini untuk ikhlas dalam beramal kepadamu..

ikhlas dalam segala perlakuan seharian aku..

biarlah aku diketepikan mereka.. kerana mereka itu juga manusia..

yang patut aku patuhi adalah Mu Allah...

mungkin hati aku dah kotor.. asyik pikir benda2 mengarut..

mungkin juga hati ini sudah tawar dengan talian hubungan yang dibina..

Ya Allah, Ya Rahman.. Ya Rahim..

Bantulah aku dalam membuat segala keputusan..

berikanlah aku furqan yang akan aku turuti untuk mencapai keredhaanmu..

ampunkanlah hambamu ini.. kerana tidak serik dari melanggar perintahMu..

aku tidak mahu jadi macam kaum saba'.. mahupun kaum2 yang terbinasa dahulu..

Ya Tuhan ku..

tetapkanlah aku di jalan yang benar.. jalan yang Engkau redhai..

leraikanlah ikatan yang aku lakukan bukan kerana Mu..

bantulah aku menjadi murabbi.. daie.. untuk melaungkan panjiMu Allah..

padaMu sahaja aku berserah..

O Allah.. air mata ini x pernah tidak mengalir setiap kali diri mengingatiMu..

bukan kerana diri sedih untuk berhadapan padaMu..

tapi hati ini tahu.. padaMu sahaja yang patut diri ini berserah..

diri ini meminta pertolongan.. mencurahkan segala dalam minda, dan jiwa..

sering kali diri ini dilupakan dari kebersamaan akhawat lain....

ya, diri tahu diri x layak bergelar akhwat.. tp tidak boleh kan mereka berkumpul akhawat diorg shj, tnp perlu ada diri ini... sebab kehadiran diri ini seolah2 menambhkn beban pada mereka.. n i really hate it..

semua akhwt yg ada, diingat oleh smua.. kecuali diri ini..

klu x dtg pun xper.. klu objktf pun nk merapatkan ukhuwah.. sebab diri semakin rasa dilarikan jauh dari pertalian ukhuwah ini...



18 April 2009

18th April 09

O Allah..
am i too full of sins till all things on this earth is against me..?

this morning i hit another car while driving

and today, they had an open house an im not invited..

its not the food i want..

but, it is as if im being ignored n neglected by others..

forgive me Allah, if i've did too many sinful things until everthing is going against me..

yesterday, d day before.. and all recent days that i had gone thru are certainly indicating i am not worthy to stand, to live among them..

they are akhawat..

and who am i..?

a no one.. unuseful person..

forgive me Allah.. please do..

no one here in this world are willing to lend a ear, a shoulder ..

and only to u i can pour everything.. to u.. only u..

15 April 2009

Rabu, 15 april 09

my fever has been on goin since monday..
been eating medcine ( i think).. yet it doesnt seem to get any better..
in fact, i think its getting worse each hour..

and today i went to mornington, to sooth my headache..
and Allah bless the way with His Rahmah.. the rainfall..
though im having a fever, but i really love rain.. and
somehow, my heart feel at ease..

the oceans, the winds.. seems like in an angry state.. allahu'alam..

and im afraid, Allah's anger to me is even grater than the distrubing ocean waves..
Forgive one here.. she's keep on forgetting that to You belong everything in the heavens n earth..

and one came back from mornington early, for one knew, she had other more essential stuff needs to be done..
and suddenly one here got msg, regarding programs on thursday, friday n saturday..

O Allah.. will one here make it one time to finish up her studies n assignments n project work..?

and just know a sis invite to hang out for dinner to 'windup'..
i thought it was due to sumthin special need to be discuss.. and it wasnt..
yeah, one enjoy the short outing 2gether.. but latter in avenue, haslinda's house...
one headache came back.. and so did one fever..
one feel lik banging this head with a hammer.. telling the brain inside to behave..
and to bang one's heart.. telling is to stop aching as well..

one dont know whether one will make it on time to get along tonite at uni... and to return back later..

hopefully, one will not faint as one did recently.. lucklily, no one was presence.. (i think)
k..
on can not think straight anymore..
one keep seeing double back again..
huhu..

bismillahirahmanirahim..

with Allah name, one begin..

13 April 2009

hr ni pegi philip island, bawak family..
klu bukan family, mungkin x der nk peginyer dah..
byk benda len yg leh wat

n, i drove there to philip island..
i guess, since its 2++ hours driving dari epot, i got a major headache upon arriving at i-centre..
and i wasnt feeling too well..

huhu..

and tadi nk balik, i was a bit better..
i thought, ok i could drive back, since earlier no one want to drive, dengan alasan, klu jln melb lurus x perla...
n suddenly it seems that my dad want to drive, yeah, so ok.. i put the GPS to the desired destination..

and i slept all d way, i guess i was tired.. but hey, i will always sleep in car if im not the driver.
and suddenly, near south gipsland highway, my dad seems to be irrated with me cause i do not know how to get back to city.. keep on hammering harsh words on me..

' klu dh tau jd mcm ni, x payah rent kereta pun xper...etc..'

lor.. it wasnt me who wanted to go to P.I.

klu boleh, memang x nak bwk kan pegi pun.. boleh gi sendiri semua, nek tour.. no need for me to be there.

marah.. marah.. marah...

memang la i need to think about the route to get back.. tengah mamai2 bangun tido, terus kena marah sebab x tau jalan balik..

so biler dier ckp jer, tukar la cmni, sy jer bwk keter tu.. sy terus agree.. n i drove like a maniac..
astaghfirullah... forgive me Allah.. for not be able to control my emotions.. for not be able to be patience.. for not be able to be kind to my mum, my dad n my siblings...

but i was really2 hurt by the harsh words my dad hit on me...

2morow, though its their last day of hols in melb, im not goin our with them..
for im afraid i'll juz place my revenge back to them..

warning sign of mental illness

  • Feeling anxious all the time, or fearing things that you know are irrational.
  • Persistent feelings of sadness or depression.
  • Significant mood swings or differences in your personality.
  • Finding it hard to deal with daily issues and responsibilities.
  • Experiencing delusions or unusual thoughts.
  • Significant changes in your eating and sleeping habits.
  • Turning to drugs or alcohol for relief.
  • Feeling very angry or behaving violently.
  • Thoughts of suicide. If you have them, seek immediate help.

okay, im definitely having mental illness!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i thought of suicide, its just that i know Allah will be angry with me if i do suicide myself...
but others, are true...

at least 8 out of the 10 signs listed above are what im going thru...

yeah, now u know ysn, why u r not and never will be egilible to be a d-e..
get lost k!

11 April 2009

11 april 09

bismillahir rahmanir rahim..

today it happen again..

for each things dat happens..

and Allah has said, all things dat has happened is from what one hand had done..

adakah selama ini aku tidak ikhlas dalam kerja aku

adakah selama ini aku hanya diambil sebagai penyokong dan bukan perkerja?

seriously, dalam setiap tugasan kerja yang diberi secara rasmi..

seolah2, aku ni x membawa sebarang erti dalam tugasan pun..

aku sedar sape la diri aku

dah la BODOH, menyusahkan orang, x reti bacer quran, hafazan pun fail, saqafah pun x der, bg tazkirah pun x reti..df pun x reti..

AKU SEDAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

tapi could they at least give me chance to improve my self instead of blocking me from moving foward..?

ye2 je la, hari tu bentang munthalaq pasal keselarasan dan kesyumulan.. fiqh asal jamaie..

kononnya, nak 'pujuk org2 supaya x kecik hati diberi tugasan kecilan jer..

TAPI, i have to say, klu setiap kali tugasan pun, kita dipinggirkan, seolah2 klu x der pun x per..

tu ape plak??

ye, dulu bila disuruh neglect diri ni, di beri pulak surah abasa,

in which Allah said, lebih important to give to the one who wants it than those who have power..

i want it, i really do..!!!

but im being neglected now..

why did not they neglect me back then..?? it wont be as hurt as now..

for im ready to work, but im being surpress

adakah ini jemaah yang mencontohi langkah rasulullah s.a.w..???

Ya Allah, andai kata ini adalah jalan yang sebenar2nya menuju redhaMu dalam menegakkan panjiMu, tabahkanlah diri ini menghadapi setiap mehdan di dalamnya. akan tapi, jika sudah mula terseleweng dari jalan al-haq, dan menyekat diriku untuk memberi sepenuhnya dalam dakwah ni, leraikan diriku dari jemaah ini..
bantulah diriku untuk menegakkan kebenaran di dalam diri dan di seluruh muka bumi ini, tiap masa, di mana-mana..

perkenanlah permohonan hambamu yang hina ini..

07 April 2009

d heart says...-9

it seems ages ago..
yet it was not too long before..
days has indeed grew longer..
still death call seems closer than before..

each time one clouds weigh heavier
before the glooms visibly portray
you held out a pail
for the rain to falls
to tumble it dry, and clear one sky

each seconds the mist emerge
shadowed the sight, swoon the mind
you resolve it off
and lighten the way
with hand in deep
guiding pass, rarely retreat..


why oh why..
u shine one from beneath the sky
for rarely do one sprout..
whatsmore to let it bloom out..

the flowers of love..
watered with the drops of truth..
the ocean drowns sorrow
and the vessels sail with hope..

for the sun which has descends..
will rise up once again
to shake the snooze of the universe..
the breeze give one to shake
from the dreams to the blazing coal lies ahead..

and one feel the urgence to resurface
from the drown of the oceans
which passions has lord over

along this line..
never be affront..
one never did intend..
for it rub to walk the wrong path..

forgive one here
for the topical feat that been gathered
as it follows
an intention to free
the burden that you shoulder
that one kept on mounting
from the rise of dawn, till dusk to arrive
with hope, one will never tax your life again..

04 April 2009

huhu.. this is weird..

my old, schoolmate friend has juz proposed to me..

and i was juz talking to a_s just now saying not to get married..

huh..

life is a mystery..

and i dislike d oppose gender.. for i've enough deal with them each day in uni

03 April 2009

april 09

it really hate itself more ever than before..

one here now, she's never be the chosen one..

for one is sooooooooo dump
soooooooo useless
s0000000 ever worthless

and why is one still here, in melb..?

one should have taken the chance to retreat back to msia, when was offered ealier this year..

but back then, one kept on thinking,
'how am i suppose to do dwh back there..?'

so, with that, one thought,
'ok, i'll come back to melb for one sole reason, for Allah.. for His deen..
to be a daie ilallah..'

yet.. as time pass by..
one feel like she's being pushed down from emerging out..

huhu..

o Allah.. please wash away one bad thinking of others here..

and last wed was a day where one think she could ever forget!!

one flunk one test in c_s..

and later that day, one got an email which shattered immediately one's heart..

one opened it in the libry..

which one tears keep on pouring out, streaming down for more than 1/2 hour..

one think she would perhaps jump off the building if one didnt remember Allah..

and one immediately look for one's sister who's was online.. thank u Allah for it..

yesterday, one head was banging like crazy in lecture..

and one hand keeps on stiffening, sometimes refuse to hold the pen correctly..which sort of giving one difficulties in writing.. huhu..

each time when one's not writing anything, and hold the pen without a base for it, the pen will fall off a couple of minute later..

later that day, in lecture, one again feel like fainting..

but one keeps on saying to one self..
'u cant faint right now.. its not appropriate to collapse in such a place..'

so, one decided to not attend one's tutorial..
one went to the boueveri prayer room and lie down there..

and today - friday-
one again did not attend one tute.. for one actually forget about it..
huhu..
mampuslah ko mcm ni..
blaja pun x ingat
x paham

mane layak nk jadi penggerak ummah
mane layak nk jadi d-e

boleh balik la ysn
dah x der makne nyer duk melb ni
klu hny setakat jadi supporter, and bukan pekerja

so BACK OFFFF!