11 December 2010

se le pregunte por mi parte ..?

lo siento como si ya no pertenecen a este lado de la vida no más.

no es necesario que lo vuelva a preguntar ..?

que va a ser una repetición de nuevo ..

pero ahora, tengo el conocimiento

se que me preguntan por mi mano..?

i algo que nunca se sabe

05 December 2010

sIdé effÉct of beTafron

some of my medicine side effect:
_____
-Central nervous system related adverse events including depression, anxiety, emotional lability, depersonalisation, convulsions, suicide attempts and confusion have been observed

Special warnings and special precautions for use
Patients to be treated with Bétáferon should be informed that depression and suicidal ideation may be a side effect of the treatment and should report these symptoms immediately to the prescribing physician. In rare cases these symptoms may result in a suicide attempt. Patients exhibiting depression and suicidal ideation should be monitored closely and cessation of therapy should be considered.
.
 ____

hoho.. so, am i to b blamé of what i felt back in those days... ??


nway, my recent mRi showed dat i hAve 9 nEw leSionS in my bRain
& 1 in My sPiNal CorD..

hoho.. ntah la.. nk jadi ape, jadi lah.. i no longer care...... ... ... .

24 November 2010

jUdgéMÉnT..2 choóse btwn 2

yes this person here today have a confession to make..

one can no longer see itself in this path, in the the next 10 years..

or even 5.. or 3.. or 1..

every now & then, one will keep trying to recall, why had it choose this path..
when there were many others outlay spreading at the frontier view..

perhaps it was because of friends..

or perhaps there was something that it want to prove to those around it at that time..

well, first it seems great..
after it was 1st bitten by the not-so nice mosquitoes.. that cause it to be 1 week of leave back in early year of 2005..
its was given an achievement to counter it back in the final exam of that year..
and so it continues up till end of the following year..

then, it all started when it went back across the ocean to take summer school..
then it started to realize.. its brain is no longer working optimally as it used to work the year before..
it thought its becoz of the increase of workload..due to the higher difficulty it'll go from 1 sems to the other..

having a concerned mum, when she took me straight to meet a prof. dr.. and
tadaá..
one showed sign of another break out burst..
refuse to believe as it was, one was given different med to encounter it, with hope, it was not as the signs showed it to be..

one have to wonder.. was this out break a sign for me to step back from the path back then..
yes, this vigorously occur when one say to commit fully on the path..
this path..

and now, a great thankful to the all mighty, for letting me the chance to obtain attribution to my painful 4 years studies (actually,it was the last 2 years was the worst)

am now back home..
and thought, okay, it can now commit fully..
yes, the sun does not seem to bright on this path.. but there is hope for it to rise up again..
well, that what one were exposed/thought on..

but, each day it seem more and more challenging for one to give all out to it..
1st was at home..
after full try & error for months..
one realize, to get their acceptance of what it believe, one has to to things that they like to do..
its not that is not permitted.. but in this path, one learned that avoid these habits to be a good person..

so, now.. one has to choose between
A: family versus faith

2nd was work environment..
after a few weeks there, it thought it could get change them.. instill better faith.. if not all, a few will be enough..
but one then realize, it only work in the fasting month..
and after that, everything goes back the same..
and some even worse..
so one better endeavor new experience..
as if one stays here longer, sooner or later, it'll adapt to the bad habits

3rd is the new pathetic disease..
recently got to do the brain & spinal cord scan..
and d result showed it got worse here..
now.. one has to choose..
there were even cases that some were comas becoz of the bad growth of the lesions in d brain..

of all these.. there are more..
but i guess.. it'l be toO long to tale it out..



important is, now i have to choose between 2..

which road should i take..

the one lease ridden or the one that will ease me to hold on to my remaining life in this world..

11 November 2010

when one feel lost in d world...
there's only 1 hope to gain bck d strength..
etc2.. huh,ive lost interest to write/continue this thing
________________________

dis morning.. one of my colleague @ work place has kept it promise to buy me ice-cream 4 my bday..gave me 2 in fact.. :)
alhmdllh.. tq fwen..

to think bout it again.. so irony..
not that i want gift or celebration.. but juz 4 simple wish is enough..
d one who were my true friends who actually wish me to it (wlpn dh tua..hoho)
n i thanks Him for giving me these friends.. thru thick and thru thin..
near and far.. will remain as my love of trust no matter where they are..
insyaAllah

mngkn dulu dpt byk2 greetings..sbb terpakse kut mereka2 itu..
hoho.. now that i'm Far away.. im out of their bound to continue to build up d r/ship..

ok la.. i dont wanna think bout this.
i have my cat,big kittens,baby kitten n hamsters as my fwens to talk with..
nite2.. a great day ahead 2morow..biiznilah

10 November 2010

ive wait and wait..
and it feels like waiting for the moOn to drop from the sky~
ok, i give up.. if there's none by this week..
i wont give..
u cant give what you didnt get..

06 November 2010

i juz realize 1 thing..

my decision to step into this path alter everything in my life all together..

i did not put much effort in my school work as i should..well, people will then called me as a nerd.. for i juz kept on studying (bck in Au16)..

then, that its when i get close to people.. cause me to think more on them than what was my aim for being there in a country out from my land.. again, cause me to lack in my studies..

later on, when i was diagnosed with ms, it at 1st only cause changes a bit.. but further on later, i guess, was the perception that people with dat disease will not and cud never perform in studies.. must somehow make a 'placébo' effect in me..

huhu.. ok, now that i realize it..

only 1 thing left to figure it out..


to CHANGE..

i know.. and i wanna change.. need to figure whether im up to it is juz by trying..

chaiyók..

04 November 2010

04 Nov 2010

as always..
no one remembers it except my mum, & sis..
hehe.. no worries..
and of course, on every thing i'd register tO, of course 'they' will keep sending me bday wishes..

hehe..

but come to think about it again, i've lived up till 8397 days up till this day..

yet, how many was my deeds, and did it overcome the sins i've committed..

sumthing to ponder and think about..

huhu..

gerun duh.. mampukah diri ni nk ckp dh dpt 8397 pahala ..?
when i think that each day, my sins will always weigh heavier..
huhu..

n tadi duk cari2..

and yes, i was born on 11rabiullawal, which falls on prophet (pbuh) birth date on that year (according to msia calender)..

its an honor for me.. and yet its put an aim for me to reach..
did my actions meet up to him(pbuh)..
huhu

horro plak rasenyer..

it was great that 2morow is a day off.. alhamdulillah
alhamdulillahi Rabbi, for giving me an opportunity to live up again today..
alhamdulillahi Rabbi for giving me the guidance and trust all the way, up till today..
and alhamdulillahi Rabbi for everything, from the smallest speck of micro, to the largest of things, He bestowed upon me without stopping..

alhamdulillah.. alhamdulillah..

31 October 2010

this week riadah (d last week aka end of Oct)
badmntn 1hour,
jogging 2 morning

yesterday ive got u'..
how ironic of it when it was presented on riadah..

there is 4 type of riadah being discussed (direct translation :p)
- a bite to eat
- little sleep
- speak only when needed
- dead the illness

21 October 2010

today i've read a hadith from FB..

The Messenger of Allah (saw) said:
"There was amongst those before you a man who had a wound. He was in [such] anguish that he took a knife and made with it a cut in his hand, and the blood did not cease to flow till he died. Allah the Almighty said: My servant has himself forestalled Me; I have forbidden him Paradise."

ya rabbi.. faghfirlly..
to0 much luv that U gave me.. until this very sec..
and how rotten were all my deeds did i play it 4 U..

i dunno y.. but mY thoughts r now keep coming back to where shud i stand.. on this layout path..
or its my time to embarked from it..
Plez help one here to be firm on it till d end of its lifetime to exist..
toO much doubt i have placed in people's heart from all of my action..

let one here raise to be among those U pleased on dat day later..

03 October 2010

yesterday.. juz went thru a book..

and it was stating there are several groups of people in this world..

one of it regards to people who have this 'nasionalisme' in the motto they held..

and under it, there are several types of nasionalisme..

and one is those who fight for it for their own benefits..
(nasionalisme kepentingan)

and today.. i realise.. there are also these kind of friends in this world..

there are:

1. friends of all time.. :)
2. friends when in need to benefit themselves.. :(
3. friends who only there to share our laughter :(
4. friends who are only there to now more about or weaknesses :(
5. friends who wants to make sure they will always be top on us in everything :(
6. friends who want to share their advantages to us :)
etc2..

and recently, about a month ago, a friend of mine from abroad suddenly emailed me..
it started with flowery words, and end with a request..
how could i push this favor.. for she's my friend since from high school..
but, thats the end.. after trying my best to fulfill this small favor.. and thats it.. end of our contact/msg..

and today, another friend's which i guess, juz recalled i ever exist, when in need of somthing that im the only one who could fulfill it (i think) contact me..

hm..

looks like 95% of the people around me like to take advantage of me..

in my workplace, the same occurred..

do i LOOK really fragile/easy to be bullied.. hm..

25 September 2010

kadang kala aku tertanya..
apakah aku mampu meneruskannya..

ada kalanya aku terkenang..
saat aku mampu menahan beratnya talang..
aku lupa, sebenarnya ia berlaku dengan izin yang Esa
hingga kini, baru ku sedar, aku hanya hambaNya..

dulu aku bebas bertata di mana kaki ingin berganjak..
tidak pula aku syukur pada peluang yang menyata..
kini aku di ikat pada suatu tombak..
cuba dilepaskan, beerti aku ingkar pada litupan kalimahNya..

kini aku rasa seperti sudah tiada lagi erti..
setiap nafas membawa jauhnya diri..

dulu aku mencoreng lukisan pada badan kerana gemar pada coretan..
kini ku rasa sudah tiba aku ulanginya bagi dekatkan diri pada Nya..

-pen Off-
apeygaku lihatskngni bercmpraduksmua
O Lord,helpme seewifmyheart thomyeyesisclosed

21 September 2010

kini aku terasa sepi.. biarpun puluhan manusia di sekeliling daku..
namun, masih terasa asing dari mereka..
aku insan penuh kekurangan..
tidak mampu dan ada yang tidak ku mahu melakukan seperti mereka..

berada di suatu pinggiran, aku terasa hina kerna kelemahan..
mengorak langkah ke seberang, aku disisih, kerna menyampaikan kebenaran..
maka.. apa keputusan yang harus aku pilih..

persoalan demi persoalan mengetuk dalam diriku..
pernah juga diriku minta agar dikembalikan padaNya secepatnya agar aku tidak goyah pada langkahku..
namun, itu menjadikan diriku seakan tidak bersyukur pada ratusan nikmaNya, tidak mampu ku ucapkan satu persatu..

dan kini.. aku seperti berada di cakerama rekaan ku..

aku memaksakan diri ku agar tampak gembira pada mereka di skelilingku.. biar jauh mahupun dekat..
namun, pada hakikatnya.. dlm diri ku..sudah hilang segalanya..

tinggal aku bersama ya Rabb..Yg Esa,,

30 August 2010

Dalam keheningan malam syahdu..
Berdirinya puluhan ribu insan mengitari ...
Setiap jantung berdebar menantikan saat ia tuk berlaku..
Kerna lamanya dirindukan terungkainya dari satu belenggu..
Dan kini, sudah suluh ia suatu yang pasti, hadiah dari ya Rabb, Ilahi..
Berdetiknya jarum ke angka 12, serihan laungan bergema di ruang angkasa..

Merdeka! Merdeka! Merdeka!

Laungan dijerih setiap insan di Tanah bumi Malaya..
Akhirnya diri bebas dari cerukan penjajah..
Mampu bergerak tanpa perlu kitar pada serpihan ledakan peluru yang lalu..
Itu yang dirasa oleh setiap yang berada pada saat, ketika itu..
31 Ogos tahun 1957..
satu tarikh yang sentiasa di hati..


Namun itu dulu..

Setelah 53 tahun dilaungkan kemerdekaan dengan megah..
Ia hanya mampu tinggal memori, kenangan warisan sejarah..

Dan Tanah bumi Malaya kini sudah bergelar Malaysia..

Adakah kita Merdeka..?
Jika dulu, iya kita merdeka dari jajahan tanah air tercinta..

Adakah kita Merdeka..?
Iya, dulu kita merdeka meneruskan perjuangan ad-deen di nusantara..

Dahulunya bila disekat, dijajah badan dari bebas bersuara..
Warisan dulu kita sedar dan tinggi keinginan untuk dilontar jauh jajahan musuh

Tapi kini, kembalinya jajahan itu pada diri kita..
bukan lagi pada tubuh, tiada lagi yang dirusuh..

Kini kita sudah kembali pada genggaman mereka yang dahulunya kita cemuh..
Jiwa kita dicengkam tanpa sedar..
Minda disulam buta oleh jajahan dunia..

Maka, Apakah mampu kita kini menyorak merdeka?

Pada malam ini, tanggal 31 Ogos 2010, tepat jam 12 mlm, akan bergumandang laungan merdeka..
Pada malam di bulan barakah Ilahi, Ramadhan al-Mubarak yang kita diberi peluang untuk bersua kembali..
Namun, apakah sorakkan, jeritan merdeka kita itu selari dengan Rahmat di bulan Ramadhan ini..
Jika direnung kembali, Ramadhan adalah titik permulaan umat islam memerangi musuh dalam Badr bagi menegakkan yang haq..
Seandainya kita rasakan merdeka kita setanding merdeka mereka tatkala itu..
maka, perlu kita tanya pada diri..
Apakah merdeka ini kita mampu nyatakan diri bebas dari kebatilan..
Minda kita bebas dari pengaruh yang batil..
Jiwa kita bersih dari coretan arang2 dosa..

Satu refleksi buat diri yang melaungkan merdeka buat tanah air yang tercinta..

28 August 2010

alhamdulillahi ala kulli hal..

masih dikrniakan tgn & kaki.. kerna btp ramai d luar sana tidak mempunyai apa yang diri memliki..

mnjd 1 persoalan buat diri..

adkh cukup syukur yg diberi buat anugerah Ilahi ini...

kini, diri diuji dengan anugerahNya itu..

baru tersedar, betapa tingginya anugerah itu..

mujur diri sedar sblm terlmbt..

bersyukurlah dengan segala kemampuan yg ada..

iringi masa yang terhampar di depan mata..

dngn sgl amal utkNya..

demi redha yang jitu dari Azza wa Jaalla.

18 August 2010

alhamdulillah hi ala kulli hal..

numerous thanx to Allah SwTaála for the unexpected..

indeed, the hearts are solely in Allah hand..

if He wants them to accept His guidance, it will open willingly without doubt, without delay..

17 August 2010

kadang kala, jika merasa diri terlalo egois pada tuhan, fikir2kan lah
bagaimana harus dilahirkan perasaan betapa hina diri menghadap tuhan..

sering kali, apabila telah menjadi suatu kebiasaan melakukan suatu amal,
maka, apabila berdamping dengan orang sekitar, lahir rasa diri ini sudah hebat berbanding mereka.. kerana diri tidak terasa jerih melakukan amal itu, sedangkan mereka yang lain masih terkial2 untuk melaksanakannya..

tapi, pada hakikatnya, diri telah lupa..

biarpun jika dikira secara lahirnya, diri dan mereka melakukan sejumlah amal yang sama..

namun, apakah diri boleh yakin ganjaran yang diri peroleh jauh lebih banyak dari mereka..?

sedangkan, kalau mengikut perkiraan yang disukai oleh ya Rabb..
lagi susah mendidik diri untuk melaksanakan suatu amal, lagi tinggi darjat amal itu dari sudut pandanganNya...

jika tidak, mengapa Dia telah berfiman, yang mahfumnya berbunyi..
"Segala amalan soleh anak Adam akan dilipatgandakan; satu kebaikan dilipatgandakan menjadi sepuluh kali ganda, bahkan sampi 700 kali ganda, melainkan puasal, kerana puasa adalah milik-Ku dan hanya Akulah yang akan membalasnya; hal ini kerana, seseorang yang berpuasa itu meninggalkan syahwat dan makanannya kerana Aku."

Amal puasa itu Dia spesifikkan hanya milikNya, kerana ia menjadi suatu penyaksian bahawa yang berpuasa itu meninggalkan syahwat keranaNya..

Jadi, mereka yang melakukan suatu amal baru buat mereka, pasti perlu melatih diri meninggalkan segala panggilan2 syahwat untuk lari dari amal itu.. dan kalau mereka berjaya melawan syahwat itu, dan melaksanakan amal itu, sudah pasti mereka itu akan lebih mendapat ganjaran dari Nya berbanding diri yang sudah biasa melkasanakan amal itu.

wallahu'alam..

15 August 2010

Sensory Ataxia..
all thanx to Him, for let me safely back home tho my feet felt numb at all times..
alhamdulillahi ala kulli hal.. :)

14 August 2010

how is that every day i woke up.. i'll regret on things i know i could have done better..
which back then, there some saying inside me that goes.. 
'u r juz dreaming gurl.. u'll never attain it in ur lifetime..'

i know, i could advise, motivate people to do better in their life, but in real, i could not motivate myself the same..
its all irony really..a sarcasm in fact.. 

i used to think, yes, it wont be an easy task to go up the hills..being bck here.. but its not impossible..

so, thats what i thought.. but, now.. im in doubt of it..

if frens are d one who'll hold ur back when u're about to slip..
i dunt think i have any here..
well, they keep on getting 'mad' @ me for not (they say) putting my full commitmnt..

well, i tried.. but i couldnt.. there's some1 said, tho it may not seem that ur fmly r d one who build u to stand there rite now, but they r the reason u choose to stand here..

being lost in this maze.. i'm not too convince wif this.. as i was brought up far awy from home since i start my hi-schl, whch i'l realise, wthout me been sent to brdng schol, i wont be choosing dis path as i should..

n i then realise, its all His plan all along.. since i was 11..


i might hv slip along d way if it wasnt Him who guide me to stay far uprite..

n now, i hav 2 stnd up high on this lane.. if i wanna fulfill my vow, to love Him more..

o my Lord.. keep me faith on dis ground till my day to meet U in bow..

12 August 2010

10th Aug: bth leg felt numb & tnglg whn standing & walking
11th Aug: d knee woblng  &bdy shkng
12th Aug: foot & arms..

09 August 2010

29th..S

each seconds of our life.. is held by Him..


we could be jumping 5 mins ago. and the next second, we  could be lying facing down on the earth..

we could see the wide world.. and the next second, our sight could have been taken, and all seems dark and deemless..

as i've known previously..


i cud sumehow have an instinct of sumthng cud happen..


well.. for the past few days.. i keep on wondering.. will i able to breath in when the Holy Ramadhan steps in..


for i've been wondering far to the north east peninsular, and to the south ..


which at that journey , twice, i was to face an incident that remind me my life on this earth is as precious as what the soccer player will think about the game match on  the field..


and tho there was sumone accompany me at that time.. but it was me who held the direction of the match.. and the other person was actually sleeping beside.. which she wasnt aware of whats happening on the road.. and i think becoz of thinkin her life depends on me driving safely back home..


the 2nd time, it was me alone on the road.. with only to Him i hold on..


and today.. again it occur..


on the way TO my work place and on the way BACK to my home..

both incidents remind me that my time perhaps will come in soon..



honestly, i've wouldnt have figure it out that everything that ive been goin thru for the past 2 weeks till today, was to give me an Early Warning to be aware of this..

but today, when i was told by a sis in deen, a good sis of mine has just lost his dad today..

i've known her dad has been sick for sometime.. but it never occur to me, early this morning, was his last breath on this earth..

and now..

i keep on thinking, will it be my turn soon..

for i've asked,beg to Him..

if my time is up..

please let me enter this month of Ramadhan.. and fnish it..

let it be my last and my best...

before my turn to meet Him..

27 July 2010

and He promised that when i need a help..
i need to be patience and humbly prostrate to Him..

and i guess.. my submission is not truly enough.. for each day, it my life seems darker and darker..

and today whats really test my patience..

i dont know if i could stay any longer.. but only to You,my Lord.. i put on my full trust to..

i've once seek advice from those who i care.. and i thought would care..
alhmdllahi ala kulli hal.. at least one of my sís are willing to guide me..help me..
she gave me her thoughts..

huhu.. but i guess.. i dont have the strength to proceed..
hope He'll help me thru this life..

25 July 2010

when the sorrow creeps on..

there's seem like nothing to be found.. all seem lost till there's no bound..

juz feels like its getting further and further away..

blown by the flying breeze..

until when can i hold on onto this pole..

for i've no place to tie it on......

24 July 2010



a reminder to the soul when one forgets its intention of life..

21 July 2010

this is whats been happening to me for a certain period now..

i live in fear of losing my mind..

1st. both of my foot make a problem.. they are sort of numb when standing up..

then it followed by both knees.. which kind of funny.. because i kept imagining what will happen, if i was walking or standing, and if i fall of all of a sudden.. will obviously cause questions to those around me..

but few days later, my knees are ok.. but not my feet...

and then when it start with my fingers.. even typing right now is sort of weird..
the numbness is such that i had just held snow on my bare hands.. and its numb becoz of the extreme coldness..

i guess, after one happens, it continues to spread up to different areas.. sort of like a placebo effect..

i kept it to my self for a period of time.. until when its almost a month.. no improvement, i told my mum..

but i did not tell her how long has these things last.. if not, i will obviously get scolded..

so i was given first vitamin B1, B6 & B12 (which i was told, something that will improve my nervous system function.. but it did not give any improvement..

so thats when she decide i should proceed with prednisilone.. which is under category steroid..

ok, so i took it.. and of course some of it the side effects occurred on me..

haha.. now im not taking either the vitamin or the steroid..
as i think im much of an irritable person when i'm taking it..

20 July 2010

kadangkala kita berfikir.. adakah aku ini sememangnya dijadikan di sini, tanpa ada harapan untuk langkah maju ke hadapan..
berdiri seadanya tanpa arah batasan..

tapi, adakah kita lupa.. setiap dari kita dilahirkan mempunyai tujuan untuk hidup laksana pahlawan di dunia..

pahlawan erti memperjuangkan..
pahlawan membawa seribu ketulusan..

pada yang mengarahkan diri agar tidak lepas pada keris di tangan..
adakah diri sanggup berkubu pada setiap pelosok penjuru tidak kira batasan waktu..

kerap kali calar teruris, setinggi gunung dendam di kalbu..
kan tetapi, bila runtuhnya istana dek halilintar guruh, sering kita berkubung tanpa menghirau pada mereka yang ingin tumpang berteduh..
bahkan disorak girang pada panah kilauannya..

apakah lantas untuk diri menyuram..
bila gersing taman pohonan disiram..

jika dulu hijaunya mata memandang...
kini, seolah tiada lagi harapan untuk ia kembali berulang..
hanya tinggal kenangan disulam..
harapnya kan sempat ia mencapai kemuncak sebelum berakhir hembusannya dusam..

18 July 2010

JulY..

>>16th:   my leg struggle to stand still.. in solah.. both wobbles like about to collaspe..& my back felt like being smashed by something hard

>>17th: my leg before now suffers pain as if i've just finish of a 10km race.. & continue to get worse..

>>18th: still sore in the leg and pain when walking.. tho its pain solah.. but im grateful it doesnt shake anymore when standing still.. but now, if i move my head of a sudden, my right back head crushed instantaneously.. &my right fingers not functioning really well..
but then again, without moving my head has actually triggered the pain to appear out of nowhere..

oh, i need to record this becoz apparently my doc here insist to know the exact date and duration of each incident..

but, only today i remembered to record it.. anything else b4, i forgot to do so..

15 July 2010

adkh lyk aku berdiri di sini..
sdgkan diriku ini lmh dr sgl sisi..
kaki ingin meungundur...
tp hati ingin terus melangkah..
huhu.. guide my my Lord... please do..

14 July 2010

aku tgh berkira2 tuk menukar kerja..

keje ngn gov plak..

atas sebab2 jangka masa pjg..

12 July 2010

ada kalanya.. ia rasa ingin pergi.. jauh dari posisi yang sedang ia berdiri..

dan ada juga kalanya.. dirasakan dirinya sudah hampir pada yang memliki dirinya..

mentari yang dulunya dinanti, seakan semakin hilang dari pacaindera sinarnya..

apakah akan terus ia berdiri.. melangkah teguh pada ikatan yg satu ini..

O my Lord.. please guide my steps here..

22 June 2010

mujahadah itu pahit.. kerna syurga itu manis...

so pay now, and play later.. kay

21 June 2010

will i breath the air tomorrow...
will i'll able to enjoy beneath the light heavens of the earth..
will this heart rhythm to its beat..
and will my eyes seek the dream behind the deep blue sea..

when the world tune its symphony..
will this ear merged within the universe..
when the flow of heat blew, seized gee..
will then thy still up, till one free..

thus,
gauge the trudge..
and race it tore..
plough the weeds, drew till it bore..
let it paint, the red to sings its stand..
leaching up, till the head starts to faint..

and may the last sight it eyes meet..
brings home the joy to eternity..

----

ya rabb..
hari ini telah Engkau berikan padaku kesempatan untuk membuka lembaran baru dalam diary hidupku..
namun, tidak ku tahu, apakah mungkin , esok milikku lagi berbuat sebegitu..
andai tiada kesempatan lagi buat diriku untuk berdiri di atas rajawali milikMu...
terimalah diriku, yang hina ini, untuk bertemu di singgah sanaMu..
ampunkanlah kelemahan, keterlanjuran dalam setiap gerak langkah ku..
moga diriku bertemu dalam sejernih embun putih di awal fajar ciptaanMu..

17 June 2010

hari ni aku ke kilang...

aku yg volunteer nk pegi 1-hr training..

sbb aku dh bosan duk ofis..

tp br aku sedar, duk kt klg tu lagi bosan kut..

huh..

ok, esok kn gi sana balk.. ader perjmpaan dprtmnt..

but di sebalik bljr mengenal bhn2 yg dibeli..

juga belajar dan mengenal ramai org.. yg slame ni deal thru email n phonecall jer..=)

but 1 thng i learn, dlm syrkt sebegitu, one need to be strong and at the same time patience..

smlm aku kn buat 'pembelian' ..
yg bertajuk 'wine n díné'...
aku punyelah raser berslh nk suh order mcm tu..
mula2 ingt tuk org2 atas yg non-muslim tu..
rupenye2 utk kaum hawa yg dijemput dlm 1-0 org..
dn sepcifically jmpt certain org jer..
alhamdulillah aku mmg x diajak.. as diorg dh tau, aku akn tolak utk pergi..

mmg la kater, event tu tuk mengutip dana bantu mereka yg memerlukan..

BUT, niat x menghalal kan CARA!!!...
nak jer aku ckp kt diorg yg diajak tu (yg mmg trus agree nk join)..
but i dont have the power..

dan hari ni aku blajar, kt tmpt keje tu smua men2 dlm kroni jer..
klu ko dlm krni bagus, top2, engko slamat la...
but i insist not to involve myself dlm benda2 kroni ni..
biar duit tu dpt ngn cara 'halal'..
sbb aku sedar, dlm aku keje tu, ader je yg sort of nk amik hati aku..
sbb aku ni ank 'big client' kitrg..
but little do they know, aku bkn mcm prnts aku..
men 'kotor'.. biarlah aku ikut cara low profile..
may Allah protect me from the dwell of this world and the hereafter life..

oh, n syrkt aku ni akn bukak lagu 1 tmpt keje kt n9.. by next year..
dan mungkin aku kena pindah skali kt sana..

mmg rase x best.. tp pk2 balik.. ada bagusnya aku kuar, jauh dari prnts aku..

sbb lagi jauh aku dr diorg, lg sng aku nk involve dlm gerak keje..

insyaAllah..

well, all depends on Him.. biiznillah...

may He give whats the best for my life.. insyaAllah

16 June 2010

kadangkala.. di kala kita tgh free, ader masa lapang..
mesti x terkuar idea2 utk melakar.. menulis..

dan juga saat kena hantar assignment yg urgent.. mesti x der masa nk meenulis2 benda2 yg x berkaitan...

tp, di saat masa itu MCM pjg.. (macam je la),
cth, assignment to be submit in 2 weeks time.. so, 2 week tu mcm pjg, so leh rilek2 lagi..

ataupun di saat swot vac nk exam, especially biler paper kita tu yg kat2 akhir exam week, lagi la time tu timbul bermacam2 idea utk menulis..

it seem as if keadaan 'tertekan' tu inspire the mind to think more,
more than we are suppose to focus to that moment..

mungkin, ni juga yg telah berlaku kt aku..

i realize, i tend to write often when im stress out..

and now i know, nape aku x leh nk give full concentration in lectures, tutes..
tp biler aku free, x pk ape2, time tu aku leh focus in doin things..
which i guess, rarely d case of what i've been experiencing back then..
sbb otak aku ni nk dipenuhi dgn macam2 olahan dunia..
dgn mslh K+P+S
makes me toO much out of 'gear' when the motor needs to run..

ok, n now.. brade di situasi krjya, pengolahan aku sudah berbeza..

sometimes i dont know how to react, what to do..

cth:
klu aku nk attend Prog'...need to avoid saying it directly to my mum..
which i will say, sort of menipu..
and i hate lying..
some will say, bukan menipu, sbb tgk la cmne care ghlam bermuslihat pada guru dan pada ibu dier..
but, i still cant take it.. aku mcm dh menipu.. mmg mula2 rase cm cuak2.. tapi aku takut, lame2 jadi mcm satu 'habit' to 'lie' sehingga kan nnt nk 'menipu' org len pn dh x rase ape..

huhu..ok...
i think im goin of da topic here..
well, its my Blg, suke ati la nk tulih ape..
huh~

peNoFf

13 June 2010

hidup mati itu sudah satu ketentuan ilahi..

kadangkala kita menyangka mereka yang sakit teruk itu akan menemui ajal terlebih dahulu..

tapi Allah itu Maha Kuasa..

segala yang berlalu itu sudah menjadi satu ketentuan Nya dan Dia sebaik2 pengatur dunia..

usah la diresah apabila ditetak..
kerna yang lebih utama pabila dihisab kelak..

sakit yang dirasa itu hanya sementara..
smoga ia mampu membersihkan diri,
dari segala belenggu dosa dunia..

persiapkan hari esok, bagaikan akan dirimu bertemu fajar menyinsing..
dan persiapkan juga diri, untuk bertemu Rabb mu di hari muka nanti..

yes.. be prepare is better than to regret..

aja2 fighting~ chaiyok!! (mane ntah tetibe teringat kata2 begini..hish)

la haw lawala quwata illa billah

12 June 2010

ya rabbi..

Sé que no debería hacer un escándalo..o se quejan..

so hacen de este dolor para que lave mis pecados ..


Usted pertenece a todos en los cielos y en la tierra .. lo que a ti voy a regresar ..

a ti que pertenezco...
por lo tanto, a Usted a volver ...

bElóN

sometime we thought.. when we are with them..
they are our friends.. our real true friends..
but once we are apart away from them..

then we'll know..

who really were our true friends..

for the words that come out might say they'll always be with us..

but the truth is.. you never even come across in their mind even for a second..

but, let them be them...

as i've once got an email saying that friends are like balloons..

once you let them go, they might flown up, further away from you..
and it'll be hard for you to get them back..
possibly loose them forever..

so, like it or not...
just tie them to your heart.. even the knot may hurt you a lot..
but sometimes, just the presence of the balloons will make you smile..

so, forgive and forget..for the scar..

as perhaps, one day.. you will be the one who'll un tangle the strings that been choking it to death..~

11 June 2010

ape yg berlaku mmg sudah takdir, suratan ilahi...
tp apakah perlu utk mengeluh sedangkan ianya umpama habuk berbanding batu yang menimpa insan lain..
jika mereka mampu sabar.. mampu tabah..
mampu mengalih batu dari diri..
apekah tidah bisa engkau untuk menghembus debu yang lantar pada tubuhmu itu.. wahai saudaraku..

fikir-fikirkanlah..

09 June 2010

today is really day full of 'surprise'

one was thinking on how will it b possible for her to stay upfront.. if there are 2 things conflicting against each interest..

and all of a sudden, a simple question asked to me by a sis changed it all..

now, no matter how both side argues, one still have to weigh one more than the other..

n now my head feels heavier..

its not becoz of the incoming burden i have to carry..
and not due to the traffic chaos..
but its juz the way i was choose to be put in..

to get the best, one have to do the best..
and to do the best, one have to be the best..

ok..
-pen OfF-

08 June 2010

"Setiap penyaki itu pasti ad ubatnya. Oleh kerana itu, barang siapa yang
tepat dalam melakukan pengobatan suatu penyakit, maka dengan izin Allah Ázza wa Jalaa dia akan sembuh" (Muslim)..

so, what does it mean by disease..?

adakah penyakit2 yang slalu kita hadapi mcm demam, batuk, selsema..

ataupun ia nya penyakit2 yang extreme skit mcm kanser, strok, lukemia dsb..?

tapi, pernah tidak terfikir, penyakit yang digambarkan ini juga membawa maksud penyakit yang lebih merbahaya daripada penyakit2 lain..

tidak lain tidak bukan..

penyakit qalbi.. - penyakit hati..

bukan setakat liver disease..

tapi hati yang dimaksudkan hati nurani setiap insani..

dan memang nampak macam senang nk ubat penyakit 'hati'ni kan..

but to what extend we can ensure it'll stay purify as long as we live until hereafter..?

sumthing dat u need to ask urself my dear writer..
please TAKE NOTE!

**penOff-**

06 June 2010

2 be someone you admire.. is not as simple as your desire..
2 be far away from each battle.. will only make it worse for now its a sign you are not capable..
2 be in a dream your desire.. brings only gesture..
for it will seems like being in a dream from within..
-péNóff~

05 June 2010

mÉn sáeR kÁ

ya rabbi..
it feels as if my body is burning and about to burst..

sakit di kpl tok la ckp la
n my body, my waist feels like about to break 2 pieces..
huhu..
ni sbb aku blk awl dh mkhym td.......
aku x nak la susahkan org len..
biarlah seorg ukht je tau pykt aku..
i put my reliance 2 U, my lord..

perlukah aku terus berdiri..

Hari ini masih lagi aku berdiri..
bardiri di atas tanah naungan..
oleh langit luas yang masih teguh untuk berdiri..
sekalipun masa sudah sekian lama memakan usia..


tapi aku pula..bagaimana..?
biarpun kaki ini masih mampu berpaksi..
tapi apakah ia akan tetap gagah untuk bersaksi..?
kerna awan yang bercorak sudah mula berkepul..
langit yang cerah semakin bersuram gulam..


kapal yang dilayarkan dengan megah..
kini dirasakan air sudah mula membanjiri..
apakah bisa ia untuk meneruskan pelayaran..
hingga ke akhir tujuan..


ataupun..


ia sudah perlu terima hakikat..
akan ia tenggelam bersama seribu harapan..
yang pernah menjadi mutiara dalam hidupnya..
dan harapan itu kini tinggal angan-angan..
terbang disisir angin rumbi kehidupan..


maka.. perlu aku menjawab dengan jujur pada diri
apa aku masih mahu terus berdiri..?
atau aku sudah mahu berhenti dan bersandar pada paungan di sisi..


-peNofF-

02 June 2010

i tHinK i muz be having sum sort of flu~
huhu.. it started on mon.. and now its getting worse n worse..
it also cause sOrE tbr0at + headache..
tot of getting a day of 2morow.. but dont think i cud..
huhu..
ape2 je la..
but td ma dh buatkn sup ayam... best2
hehe
altho my taste bud is useless.. : p

30 May 2010

i really regret 4 attndg dat event.
it was really fulL of sins..
forgive me my Lord.

25 May 2010

alhmdllh.. ive found a way to get home easier, faster.. using fereadl Hgwy.. but hav to pay toll about 1.50..
but to think again..
btwn fuel & time vs toll..
it weigh better on the later..

nway.. i kept on hvg prob wif my pryer..
n recently, which means 2day..
i cant move without my head feels like bursting out
which of course then rise on to bad headache..
ok.. cmne plak ni..

nth la.. hope 2morrow will b better..
__________
-pen0ff-
lately.. i kept on questioning my self..
am i d rite one to b in dis path..
for d more i look into myself, it feels like i dont even know who i am..
n what i was born for..
my heart desire for Him..
but my hope feels like long lost gone..
my seeds once plow for the blossoms of d flowers..
but, once it finish it blooms.. it'll wither to pieces..
and now to be in a farm, with an unfamiliar soil..
seem ackward to me to grasp hoe and start to plow..
----------
huhu... ni bahasa pelik2 la ..
_______
pen-OfF

22 May 2010

alhamdllh.. alhmdllh.. alhamdulillah..

finally y'day i get to go 4 my 1st u' after almost 3 months..

tpkn.. tetibe rase cuak nk gi..
becoz i felt that im the worst person out of all of them... huhu..
cmne nth..

21 May 2010

sometimes.. we keep on wondering..
was the decision we made are the right one..

perhaps the oppose was the best one..

huhu..

20 May 2010

rs cm nk pecahkan kpla ni boleh x..
dis is gettng worse..haha
can i laugh @myself now..
mcm org x btul jer..
huhu..ok2.. adios

19 May 2010

mmg benar..
bila diri sudah berjaya melangkah satu tebing..
akan di uji dengan tebing yang lebih tinggi, lebih sukar di daki..di lepasi..

smpi bila diri mahu mengharap, apbl sudah melepasi satu ujian itu,
maka, diri sudah bebas dari segala belenggu..
well, of course it wont happen this way..

jd, apakah perlu utk diri tidak melepasi setiap ujian yg dihadapi, agar tidak diuji dgn ujian, dugaan yang lebih mencabar..?

huhu..

isL... PLEASE..
for each difficulty, there is an ease..
for each success.. there will be tribulation..

this world is not a fairy tale.. where there will always be a happy ever after ending..

never.. sbb klu ada.. maka, tak seimbang la..
seperti mana klu nk jln nk seimbg, sebegitu juga perlu dlm hidup..
perlu ada susah dan senang pada diri..
sihat, dan sakit..
kejayaan dan kegagalan..
smua itu perlu, untuk mengimbangkan bgmn diri ini membawa erti hidup dlm diri..

remember ok isL.. hammy..

do remember..

bismikallah..
___
p3NofF

18 May 2010

time to go to sleep..
b4 this head explode to bits..
yet, nothin could let it stop..
if its written for it to go..

nite2 hammy
spck srt ku 2lis..
na-moon kpl se-makín ber-puesíng

17 May 2010

hr ni mmg rase cm nk pengsan jer.. x larat langsung..
buat keje pun x der smgt..
kpl skt, n my chst is starting to hurt back..
as it did back in melb..
klu kt sana, ye la nk tido, x gi class bleh.. ni kt tmpt keje, mn bley wat ske2 hati.. 
so, hari ni dlm kul 6 dh blk..
since 2day is Monday..
suppose ly jln x patut jam..
tp tadi jln jam la jugak..
dgn skt kpl nyer n rs cm nk demam nyer.. mmg x larat do nk bwk keter..
mmg ltk full reliance to Him.. to arrive home safely..
and alhamdulillah.. i did..
ok.. 2day im gonna sleep early..which means now..
la hawlawala quwata illabillahi
___
pen/off
subhanallah..
may these pains made me closer to U..

15 May 2010

alhamdulillah..alhamdulillah

today was meaningful day..memorable day..

in fact, this week was a wonder.. alhamdulilllah =] =] =]

a chat wif a sis who i tot was quite stern the other day (back in march)..

my outing wif my colleague y'day..

now, im looking 4wrd to the compny event this coming public hols..
subhanallah.. may it be in Ur best protection, my Lord..

this mornin was suppose to go for a T-Hunt.
but whn i arrive, i realise, i forgot to bring my hp..
which means, i had to go back home n take my hp..
i was late..
and while drivin.. i was on d lft lane, where 2 lorries ahead of me, causing the move to be even more in delay..
usually i wud have then change my lane, to speed up.. but sumhow, today, i choose to juz stay on dis slow moving lane..
and all of a sudden.. i heard loud screeching on my right, an a huge "BANG!".. a taxi hit a black car..
subhanalllah..
i know its wrong for me to say, Alhamdulillah.. but, i really did praise Allah SwT several times at that instance.. for He had protect me there.. He prevent my heart to make decision to b on the rite lane.. for if i did, i perhaps cud have been the one who been hit..
this reminds me that my life will not be long.. my soul cud have been taken anywhere, anytime..without im even realising it will happen..

ok, then i arrive at the mall.. i knew i had the feeling i shudnt be there, n i was rite..
yeah, it was suppose to trigger people to know about it, but, the play is more into grup play.. in i came alone, so cudnt play along..
so,from now on.. any event like this i shudnt have come.. its not worth it.. the car fuel, time, parking fee..
all a waste..

ok, next, later today, i've decided to go to an event at d mosque in KL with 2 of my sisters.. my to-be teacher friends..
tot it will be a great talk from people around the nation.. since it will be conducted in english..
but, much to our dissapointment.. it doesnt even met 1/2 of our expectation..
so, we went back early, after maghb prayer n had our dinner out 2gether..

but, truthfully, i wenr out with them, not really for the talk.. [ tho i was keen in hearing it at well at the beginning, but soon was dark with boredom..] its more for d meeting with my sisters..
alhamdulillah for d the opportunities letting me to do so..

hopefully i'll able to attend next week indoor gathering wid my new famly,, lahawlawala quwata illabillah..
biiznilah..

12 May 2010

a smile will water..
a heart that desire..
for the spring to return..
bring blossom to appear..

10 May 2010

bismillahi..
im getTíng fáTíqué m0r3 eásilý..
today im toO tired..
when i drove back home, with my head hurtínG
n as usual, it was a heavy traffic..
i accidently fall asleep while waiting in the ques..
didnt woke up until the front car was quite far from my car..
alhamdulillah, it did not cause accident..
n alhamdulillah i did not release the break im pressing on..
alhamdulillah 3x
huhu..
actually, d car glass was vaporized due to the cold aircond,  which i guess made people not aware im (d driver) sleepin inside.. so that is y no one horn me..
ok2... klu gini berterusan, alamatnyer, ada high probability akn mnybbkn kemlgn yg tidk diingini..
now im too tired..
got to go 2 sleep now.. tho its still early.. not evn 9pm yet..
may dis rest is with Him..

-penOff-
yadot saw a taerg yad..
llew, ti detrats taerg.. alhamdulillah..
tub won i tond leef doog..
ym daeh turh.. huhu..
and y am i writing/typing dis way..
i guess...
sid tahw sneppah nehw s'ereht on eno ot
erahs htiw..

but, i did met a couple my sisters y'day tho..
not too long.. but yet,
meaningful to me..
ok..
i shud pots won..
daeh leef ekil gnitsrub..
___________
-pen 0f'f-

05 May 2010

im glad im not wearing contct lenses..
as i think, i look really horror if i wear one..

without my glasses, i could c all my eye bag..
as if im really exhausted and sleepy.. hoho..
memang cm gini nmpknyer..heh

2morow, dpt gi keje lmbt. yeye2.. sbb kn gi bkk accnt kw_sP..
since kena gi sndri, aku mntk kbnrn tuk gi yg dekt ngn rumah aku.. sbb aku mmg x reti jalan2 kt bandar di sebelah sana..

tp, dpt gi keje lmbt pun, bukan leh tido lama2.. dh terbiasa kut..
time weekend pun, bgn same cam nk gi keje.. hoho..
mcm rutin harian jer gayenyer.. x polah.. berdsplin skit diri aku ni..
huh..

td br dpt sms jemputan wlmh senior aku kt skolah. hehe..
tp kt teluk intan, cmne ntah nk peginyer..
n snior aku ni oppsite gender.. which mean, mcm klakar je klu aku gi sorg2 knduri tu.. hoho

04 May 2010

Jgn duk menganggu, mengkaco hidup org len.

They hav their own life. No need for you to bother them.

Engkau ada ke x der ke, x membawa sebrg kebaikkan pada mereka, hanya menyusahkan,menganggu mereka!!.

so, take note of this okay..
ÍtS ENOUGH 4 Ú 2 ONLY HAVE HÍM IN DIS LIFE, no other Kay

02 May 2010

tadi jupe hamsters yg sgt2 cumei..
yeay.. tapi mahal tahap max kut.. sekor 45 ringgit..
x der la nk blinyer.. skadar melihat je la.
pastu jupe plak guenie pig yg cumel.. tu lg mahal kut.. 188 ringgit..
apsal mahal sgt harga binatang2 ni..
so, aku skadar melihat ngn merenung dr jauh je la..
nk tngkp gmbr, dh ader warning, x leh amik gmbr ape2 kt kedai tu...
huhu.. i miss my hamsters
ok rite now, both of my arms are trembling..
mcm kesejukkan.. tp x sejuk pn skng ni..
is it a sign that sumthng which been bothering me,
now affect and reflect it all over my body..
or,
is dis m-s.. bt dis kind of occurance hav nvr hppen b4,
well, perhaps, there's always possibility sumthin new to turn up..
hm..
í gú3ss theR3's nO wh3re eL$3 t0 s3ek h3lp

4 d búrd3n ín my h3art..

exc3pt fr0m d 0ne  d@+ 1$t çáÚ$3 ít 2 3xí$t ín m3..
oh, i came here was 2 actually post my capture from my phone, on da way to ipoh..bukan post bnda tadi..ceh
nway, i never realise, msía actúalLy still hav a preserve scenery along d highway..hope they will preserve and retain it forever..
but, since its only a cheap phone, not a full branded one,
the picture is not toO good.. but i guess, its  ok



pebenda la mu mengarut ni..huhu

así..

Cuando le pregunté , ¿Es un crimen amar? 

Me dijeron..no se

¿pero voluntad este amor, pasado por siempre?

algo que yo Espero que sí..

haha.. pebenda ntah aku tulih ni

biler aku tgk balik ranslation on9, bila jadi ayat, beterabur rupenye..

ape2 la.. bknnya aku nk pahamkan balik pn..

bahasa is not my specialty, bek dlu mhupn skng..

01 May 2010

Raining Hearts Thank You becoz ú live in me..
ú make m3 believe in mYs3lf, when nobody el$e can..
& dats make me <3 u even mOre..
i$ i+ @ çRím3 2 L0v3...

wH3n  íNde3d  it$  @  f3eLling  th@+  L@y  i&síd3 ú$..

fór d çár3 2 bR3@th óN..

wí+h H0p3 i+ w0'nt g0n3..

súmOne pL3a$e guid3 m3 her3..

4 i'm n0w $túcK i& dí$ bóuNd..
it seems 2 b3 haUntinG me..

i cnt get it off my mind..

huhu..

30 April 2010

hrga sbuah xxxx

The Price Of Love


bila mekarnya sekuntum bunga..


gelora ombak tidak lagi dirasa..


segalanya tampak indah, bak istana kaca..


tiada lagi yang mampu diungkap, hanya mahligai tatapan mata..


persisnya berada di taman bunga..


harum baunya tiada ungkapan lahir dikata


hanya hati yang menjadi saksi, cinta yang tulus ini..


dengan harapan, ia akan kekal sebegini..


baik hari ini, esok mahupun lusa..


panas, sejuk tidak kira di mana jua..


semuanya tidak kan mengoyah kasih yang dipatri, lilauan hati..


kepadanya sahaja ia diberi..


dan tiada yang lain, mampu menandingi..


harga sebuah cinta, ikhlas dari sebuah hati..
______________
-pen off-

29 April 2010

bismillah... ar Rahman, ar Raheem..

for today.. 2many unusual things happen
___________
1. this morning, i drove to work 10minutes late than my usual time..
yet, i still arrive early.. subhanallah...

2. the accountng person who was mad at me last week as i told b4,
was actually pleasantly nice to me today.. subhanallah..
i guess the stress at work that coz her to behave the other way back then

3. i msges with 1 of my sis here, told that.. if she's having a day off   2morow,due to labour day falling on saturday, lets met up in the evening, since i still have to work 2morow, half day.. but she was going back to her hometown 2morrow and ask me to meet up with her tonite.. but i really dont know the way how to get there.. so we promised to meet each other perhaps in another day.. insyaAllah..

4. during lunch break, i stayed in office.. and opened up my ym, being invisible.. and i saw, a few of my beloved sisters were on9.. so, i msgged them.. at 1st, i tot no-one will answer my bug..
Allahamdulillah.. all 3 of them response to my call.. tq sisters..
to sis1.. i told my story that happen y'day.. she was very understanding on what happen.. tq sis..
to sis2.. i asked her how's she's doin with the work @ d hosp..
n she told me she was at the hosp now which ive been there, to send my other sis there last year.. what a wonderful memories.. subhanallah..
to sis3.. she's the one who lift my spirit.. making me smile with her share..

5. this when all bad thing start to happen.. it started when i emailed a supplier about our order.. and ok, i admit, my mistake for putting the subject wrong.. but i really did attached the right doc. and suddenly the PIC, wants to changed the delivery add.. so, i was appointed to that supplier that we need to change the delivery point address..
up till this, he was ok with the change.. and then he replied, how bout the doc no. as ####.. is it from your company who ordered it..
so, i told him, yes.. but we've already canceled it last tues.. n i told him i'll foward the cancellation email.
now, when he starts to get angry.. he 'bang' me for not informing about the order n cancellation.. all those harsh words..
hey, it wasnt my fault.. i just did what the pic told me..
to whom i shud address the order to..
and now i get all the blame.. and since the email was cc to a whole lot of person, i was then accused of not informing the pic of the purchase is it the rite email dat i shud send it to..
well, i can tell u, i did ask dat person verbally, face to face about to whom should i send this email to.. and yes, that person gave me the wrong email..
and im getting all the humiliation.. and the blame
now, that person can only say to me..
"dont worry..it'll be ok.. "-translation from bm word-
at that time, only Allah knows whats in my heart..
aku mls nk marah.. [sbb klu aku dh start marah, especially if im start saying things in malay.. mmg truk la jadinya..]
tho the truth is, i was really2 feeling sad and feel humiliated at that moment.. i apologize several time to that supplier for my mistake which was actually wasnt my fault.. and promise not to do it again.. and i guess, this supplier like humiliating me, and keep replying my email.. saying sumthing like yeah, u shud never repeat this mistake again, becoz if u do, i'll blame u again..
huhu..
since time tu dh masuk asar.. aku pun, undur la diri dari org, gi solat asar.. mencari ketenangan.. n without intentionally.. my tears start dropping.. bukan aku sedih sbb kn mrh.. but d person who actually gave me the wrong info that cause all this trouble doesnt even admit she's wrong..and doesnt even apologize to me..
and than, there's another person, who were there with me during my lunch y''day console me in an email.. yeah.. was really unexpecting this kind of email from this person..
well, from now on.. i now.. who's ur true friend is..
that laugh with u when u're happy.. and cry with u to share ur sadness..
alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah..
i know this happen to me for a reason..
Allah wants me to be closer to Him.. for perhaps, im really goin off the course towards Him..
and for this, He send down the rain.. to match as whats my heart feels..
tq my Lord.. tq..
"Then will come after that a year in which people will be given rain.."(Yusuf:49) 
_____________________________

may each things that encounter in my life, will make me to be a stonger muslim in the 1 right path..
bismillahi tawakallahtu...

-pen off-

when d hearts keeps to beat non-stop..

there's so many things, i would like to know..

as there's so many things, are yet to show..

so little time i've got to throw..

for so little thrust i have in vow..



will i forth on a lifetime of commitment..

will it blaze on tho breeze seem to redundant..

the sparrow seems to chirps happily..

the clock in my mind ticks that buzz on, its juz worldly..


graze me firm on this ground..

put me stern, tho it bleeds till wound..

to You, my Lord.. i lay down my throne..

as my worthiness has long lost gone.. 

bimisllahi tawakallah tu..
O Allah.. place me among the righteous.. 
and steadfast my heart and action to be with You..

28 April 2010

2 day was an ackward day..

my friend invited me to a very grand lunch...which she said,
to buy tickets, cost 300 ringgit each.. but she got a few tickets free..
so, i thought, ok.. y shudnt i join her.. since i dont always go out for lunch..

and, subhanallah.. it was really2 grand..
variety of foods,drinks,dessert,fruits.. a buffet..

the only thng which i sort of dislike was the mc..
who was actually.. a guy, who dressed as a woman.. u know what i mean..
dis mc ni mcm the character dlm citer upin-ipin pengmbaraan the movie tu..
pastu, dier panggil plak 5 bos from diff company, dress as if mikel jakson, n perform kt dpn.. nk buat ala2 amrcnIdol katernyer..
so,mnri la bos2 ni kt dpn.. n nk pilih pmng kn jerit kuat biler org tu dibw ke dpn..

aku ingt, it will end there.. but NO..

.. ader concert yg memekak2 plak..(oh, ni lg 1 benda yg aku x ske)
rupenyer, feymes ind-0nsía artst..
aiyoo.. aku mmg x kenal artis.. yg org msia pun aku x ingt name.. ape lagi yg o/c.. tp aku rs mcm nk pecah gegendang telinga kut..
auDio was tOoOO loud..

time tu aku mmg rase nk blk.. tp sbb aku ikut kwn aku, nek kreta dier..
x leh nk balk.. sbb 1 of them sbnrye dtg tuk tgk concert tu.. aku ingt smua pegi tuk lunch..

dh la aku dh lmbt blk ke ofis.. lmbt sejam dh wey.. tp kwn2 aku ckp x per.. dier ckp, ofis tu x bg benefit enough kt worker dier.. n ni event official ofis pun.. huh..

tp diorg keje section len.. marketing..
aku keje bhgn yg agak busy.. so, finally dpt la gak pujuk sorg yg nk stay tu tuk blk..

smpi2 ofis, org tnya aku gi maner..
to tell d truth, aku mmg x tau aper nm tempat tu..
so bila sorg mamat tu tny, ko kuar ngan xxx1 ker,
aku ckp yer.. pastu lg sorg plak tny, xxx1 tu bwk gi mane..
aku yg mmg x tau, ckp ntah, pegi ngan xxx2 skali..
mula ingt dier nk marah..
tp bile aku ckp name xxx2, baru dier ok..

hm.. takut dah wey.. aku x nk dh kuar  gi mane2 tmpt yg ada benda2 grand mcm gini.. gi kedai2 mkn biasa cukup la..

jap gi nk kuar ngn mak..
tetibe ayah nk ikut plak.. jealous la tu, org gi x ajak dier.. hehe
tp x kesah la ayah nk ikut pun..
mesti bosan duk sorg2 kt rmh..

a full extraordinary day for me..
and here i attached the scenery of d event this afternoon..

 this was sum of the things dat i took.. toO much choice.. rambang mata.. alhamdulillah
 ni kt tmpt buah2, dessert
 ni kt tmpt aku duduk pandg stage.. tp x nmpk sgt. aku mls nk gerak2..
ni view dr tmpt aku berdiri beratur amik mknn berlauk..

27 April 2010

alhamdulillah..
all praise only to Allah SwTaála..

today was a good day..

my work was fun..
my driving was ok..

juz sumthin dat i have to laugh at myself..
my colleague asked me to help her send an email,
to cancel an order made y'day..

so, i was like.. ok.. its not hard..

n i guess, becoz i used to like reading english story books..
i found the rite way to write the cancellation  order email..
being firm yet polite..

n she was amazed by it.. astaghfirullah..
jgn timbulkn rasa riak dlm diriku ini ya Allah..

when i looked back at the email i sent..
byk je grammatical mistake..
but i guess.. d email was ok.. alhamdulillah..
=)

hope 2 morow i cud do better..
çan-dáce juz asked me to join them (d marketing grup)
for lunch 2day..
i hope i remember that 2morow..
as i was to join them 2day...but i totally forgot about it..

biznillah..

-pen off-
( i cud no longer use short form p/o since it meant puchazOrdr at my work are)
may 2morrow be a better day..

26 April 2010

i sumhow felt regretted for getting close to sumone..
who eventually made me look 'disgusted' to everyone else..
..
n how i tot that...
..whoever closes the humiliation of a Muslim, Allah will cover its humilation in the world and the hereafter..

and hak seorang sahabat adalah:
saling menutup aib rakannya yang lain. kekurangan sahabat kita, jangan diheboh2kan ke orang lain..

bukan aku nk ckp, ape yg aku buat tu aib.. tapi cara dia menceritakan tu,
aku dapat rasakan, mesti orang yg mendengar perbualan kami itu seperti aku telah lakukan perkara yang buruk..

sedangkan, sebenarnya, aku tidak terangkan pun secara detail apa yg ingin aku smpikan.. sbb dia terlebih dahulu mencelah, sblm smpt aku terangkan...

well then.. lantak la..

aku bkn lari dari tgjwb d'wh..
i tried my best to get to know prog2 yg ada...
i tried to attend, but to this moment..ive not able to..
my u' has not yet been called.. i have one.. but
they unable to contact me yet.. that is what the pic here told me..

aku bkn mcm budak sombong kt tmpt keje..
in fact, aku rasa, aku sngt senang nk bek ngn makcik2 kt tmpt keje..
yg susah, the 'guys' at my work place..
bkn susah sbb ape, sbb mmg diorg tu mcm bdak skolah..
which i called as 'flirting'.. x kan aku nk lyn..
dgn the gurls, ok je.. alhmdllh..
ngn kakak2 floor len pun aku bek,iA..

dah la..
sdh lama merendahkan diri aku..
ive shud have not told/share wif u anythin bout my disease..
becoz, since then, u've always look down upon me..
the most easiest exmple is during d trip to adel...

ok, i shud stop..
its making me more and more stressful..

dh la td kt tmpt keje, brlaku vandalisme ats keter aku..
oh, keter ayah aku.. truk btul la org kt c ni..
huhu

25 April 2010

feels like im havin a fever la plak..

ntah knape ntah..

'FoL' ke...

hm..

24 April 2010

huhu..

dis is not goOd..

y is dis feelin starts to rise up again..

it shud have been long lost, gone..

yes.. dis what is called as amore or grá..

i shud be hating it..

but my guess is, its either ít' or thee..

to choose its really hard...toO hard infact..

the memoirs keep on floating back in..

...

well then.. to thee i give dis..

____________________

to this sober nite..
i lay low, with thy spark in sight..
the tree that hang till burst..
never has it yield, the lonesome path..
where it all started..
the ones that were once bound of love..
now greet trash filled with dust from above..
should the bare of grass, now be seeded till green..?
for the pinch of light, will never be greet..
as the reminisce has fallen till pitch..

23 April 2010

today i learned..

those who said they are being 'trbyh'.. shud not be toO proud of themselves..

being at my workplace, i learn that its the job that we're in..
the things we have to place each day that will actually teach u, shape u..

my work here needs a lot of communications with people..
and yes, if things goes wrong, the PIC proj will hit you..the boss will bang at you..
n the spplér n cliént can be fed up with u..

and most worse of all, if the finance department keep on burning up on ur back..

it cud have been stressful..
it cud have been a pain..

yet, i saw that my collegue there was very2 patience..
tho she was burden up with soO much work..
she still entertain each call with a joy. each person wif a smile..
i dunt think i can do it the way she does..

today, the finance person blast off and put it all on me for did sumthing i tot i was suppose to do..
n to end it short.. my sis here met up with that person and talk it with her, handled her, and got everything sort out..
i think i owe her one for this..BIG TIME..

after a mess @ d office, we finally check out of the office at 7pm..
i tot it wil be jam on the way back, as it always did last 2 fridays..
but surprisingly, i got home in 50minutes..

subhanallah..
certainly.. for every difficulty there is ease..

________________________end1

today, i tried calling sum1, whom i suppose to get-in-touch wif if i wanted to register for a prog..
but it seems that the no. they provided at the 'poster' is certainly not accessable.. both no.
the sis-no. and the bro-no..
huhu..
memang mcm  x nak bagi aku pegi ape2 prog nmpknye
(n this sis, i had tried to call on wed back then, n i cudnt get in touch wif...which make me to try today)
_________________________end2


now my head feels like thumping inside..
my right side of the brain/head to be exact..
hm... we'll c how it goes 2morow.

_________________________end3

22 April 2010

im liking the heavens view in dis place. my homecountry..

going out of my house as the sun start to rise, give amazing view of the sky, the clouds, the suin..
subhanallah..

and also, goin back home..
as the sun sets..

n now i get to 'c' back what i used to see in the heavens' draw back in melb...

perhaps anyone else cud not see it.. but i guess, i imagine things over-beyond..

now i get to c the mountains and sea back in the clouds in sky..

=]

subhanallah..

sumtimes, i guess.. its a chance for people who cant get out to c the world much..

but one can always look it up at the sky..

20 April 2010

hm..
it looks like, seem y'day..
my head feels like bursting..
thought becoz of me skipping meals.. but then, it soon got worse..
last nite i slept early.. yet, it doesnt make things any better..

alhmdllh, i manage to drove back home safely today
..
klu ikut kn, nk stay je kt ofs..
but this is not uni, not mlb..
i cant do as what i did back then..
huhu..

18 April 2010

d most patience of all, i think is my beloved mum..
n i truly regret for making anything that would have scarred even a bit in her heart..

____________

ok, tadi baru nk ajar baby2 kucing makan durian..
^_^
hehe.. cumel je smua, kena paksa makan durian..
but i dont think my mum n i succeed in making them like durians..
huhu.. now i miss my franky.. the one which has always been a great fan of this durian..
will always wait by the un-opened durian, like giving a msg to us..
"please open this food for me"

:) :) :)

16 April 2010

2day was an extra-ordinary day 4 me..
got to áttend' a m_s socty in msia..
hoho..
surprisingly, a lot of the people here kena m_s gak..

my mum n i went there 4 an interview tuk apply for fundraising help in getting the ExTraExpensive med..
(well, the ques asked was soO wierd)..
n then we were asked to go 4 a gathering..
ingtkan aper..
rupe2nye...
(meet the group who's r in the same state as u r..)
ok, so we were to introduce ourselves n how the 'disease has affected our lives..
n now i realised.. at times like these, people will be more appreciative of the Lord..
well, i guess, He luves the remembrance of His servants of Him..
and dat is y, He bestowed the gift of this disease..

15 April 2010

i'm gonna hate myself starting 2dy!!!
huhu..
i tot it will be better 2day..
but dis thing meeting doc again 2morrow causing every disruption!
like b4, i'll nvr ever gonna find a true friend..
:(

12 April 2010

this week was a hectic one i guess..
juz got back from jerantut..
my uncle juz passed away last week, due to an accident..
may Allah put him among the righteous..
being back in kg, i juz realized,
i can not recognized my cousins.. especially the guys..
how their feature change as they grew..
at least, the gurls still have the 'look' that
i remembered..
huhu..

ok, last thursday, went for an appoinmnt to see my doc in hkl..
n wow, the cost of my medcine in msia is WAYYY more expensive than in melb..
klu beli kat melb, tukar duit msia, will be around rm3600..
tp in msia, klu beli, more than 5000 ringgit..
sape nk amik ubat dh cmni..
duit gaji pun x cukup nk beli ubat
huhu..
klu oz bley murahkan ubat ni smpi org2 sana bley beli dalam 20dollar, jer (around 60 ringgit), knape kt cni x der krjn nk subsidize ubat tu..
huhu..
this give me 1 conclusion..
x yah dh amik ubat..
mahal tahap max..
not worth it..
nway, hr tu jupe doc,
becoz my mum ikut, x der la nk ckp ngn doc tu byk2..
becoz my mum will b angry if she knew dat things happenning to me, n i have not told her..
another conclusion..
pasni gi juper doc, x yah bwk mak.. huhu..
tapi jln gi hosp pun x tau..
per la mu ni..
ok2.. i need to sleep...
esok keje dh.. n skang dh ngantuk,penat thp max..
penat duk dlm keter kut..huhu..
ok then.. till then..

-pen off-

02 April 2010

huhu..
rupe2nya hr ni stat keje..
im in shock.. shock not becoz of workin, but becoz im not prepare for it..
huhu..
alhamdulillah, d job was not too bad..
its similar to what i did in my internship..
the bad thing was when i drove back home..
cmane ntah boleh sesat..
luckily i decide to pray asar b4 goin back.. sbb sesat 2 jam lebih wey..
huhu
smpi2 pun dh nk hbs maghrib..
cmne ntah boleh sesat.. time interview last week x der la plak sesat..
huhu..
tension je duk dlm keter yg jam 4ever..

01 April 2010

last nite was full moon..
which was 15th of rabi-al akhar
islamic calender is certainly the best.. every 15th of each month according to islamic calender, it will be full moon..
its really amazing...
though the sky here was not clear... but one still could detect the existence of the full moon..
its certainly outwit the thick clouds in da sky..
later i would be driving, insyaAllah.. to go for my registration..
i dont mind driving.. but to be truth.. i hate driving here, in my town..
once when i was with my sister, and it was a highway juction, and all of a sudden, a car in front of us, decides to stop.. i could not break or our car will have flown over, so without thinking, i turn up my steering, and it was like in a game arcade racing car..
alhamdulillah, there was no car on the path i steer up to.. if not, it would have cause a major accident.. my sis n i were silent for a while since we were in shock.. huhu
n today, i hope everything will be ok.. n i hope i remember the way to get there.. hoho..
n since my car only have cassette player.. i dont have any cassette that i would like to hear in d car.. i would juz have to bring my phone..
this is where, my mp3 phone is useful..
n dat is y i like s_e phone.. a phone which is used to hear music..
muahaha..
but i wont be wearing headphones.. i rarely where it in msia.. its never safe to drive in msia, with the music plug in the ear, deafen the driver to the surrounding..
ok2.. boleh x tulih dlm bhs mlayu mu ni..
kata bhs jiwa bangsa..
dan kita prlu memartabatkn bangsa kita .. ^_^
after a week of not taking my med.. i suddenly feel i need to take it tonite..
but, as usual, not the whole amount..
couldnt bare d pain..
hm..
now i need to choose..
the pain of a syringe, or the pain of d whole body.. waaahh....

hammy, when will i meet u again.. y r u not available 4 me to get u...
huhu..

ok2, dah2.. mengarut je mu ni..
time to get of this comp..
which i think, u r computer addicted... (if there exist such term)..


p/o

31 March 2010

ok, today im going to the briefing,,
was told by d caller to bring a photocpy of my degree certf n ic..
n the ory..
but my parents told me juz bring d photocopy...
my dad ask me not to attend dat briefng..
but my mum said juz attend to look its all about..

now i know, y my dad keep on askng me to wait..
n only to dis spcfc compny he agree for me to accept..
ok, i hope its for the best..

but it juz made me wonder.. if i were to go against he's will, am i gonna make him mad..
im not gonna try.. but i hopw this work comply to my state being -d way i dress,interaction to people, and enable me to go out for some prog at least..
but i know, its going 2 be tough..
nothing is easy in this world..
and d door i choose to unlock is certainly not fill with roses..

ya Rabb, keep me steadfast on d rite true path
+++++++++
p/o
huhu..
its always happen at this hour..
head,hands,fingers,feet..
all giving signals, it comes to fail...
hopefully, 2morow will be ok..

i put my trust n protection in Your hand, All Mighty..

30 March 2010

again today i cook lunch for myself..
vege's + su-un +fish..
i didmt think anyone will bear to eat it...

ok, then my mum called said, she decided to come back for lunch..
hoho..
ive to confessed to my mum, i did not cook anything except vege's soup..
alhmdllh, it was ok..-which means, no criticism on it.. as my father always does.. huhu

n suddnly called a call.. dont know who exactly, since i couldnt really get what that person is talking.

all i know, i was invited to attend a briefing 2morow..
ok.. ape2 la
since x buat ape.. pegi je la...
but the bad thing is, i need to go by public transport.. huhu..
this makes me missing riding bicycle more n more..

well, its for the best,insyaAllah..

bismillahi tawakatullah

29 March 2010

sat gi nk msk telur dadar... but not usual one..
i'll b adding veges n chilies.. hehe
i miss this type of cooking..
becoz, since i got back home.. i couldnt cook as i wish to.
i doubt my mum or dad will approve it..
but this one, im gonna eat myself..
since my mum did not come back for lunch.. n my dad, i think, as usual.. will only be eating veges n fried fish..
oh, btw.. im not cooking for lunch..
its already 7pm here.. hehe..
ok..
now, im suppose to continue reading.."al-Najat"
chaiyok!

27 March 2010

I Taught Myself To Live Simply

I taught myself to live simply and wisely,
to look at the sky and pray to God,
and to wander long before evening
to tire my superfluous worries.
When the burdocks rustle in the ravine
and the yellow-red rowanberry cluster droops
I compose happy verses
about life's decay, decay and beauty.
I come back. The fluffy cat
licks my palm, purrs so sweetly
and the fire flares bright
on the saw-mill turret by the lake.
Only the cry of a stork landing on the roof
occasionally breaks the silence.
If you knock on my door
I may not even hear.


- Anna Akhmatova
my legs are starting to fail.. huhu

n my heads are starting to burst

dont feel like i wanna get up from the 'bed'.. if u can call it a bed..

i dont think dis medicine r working at all..

well, mungkin mmg x berkesan pun.. since it 1 yr outdated..

huhu.. dis feels worse than what usually attack me in melb..

waaaarh...

x mo bangun.. mo tdo jer..

p/o

26 March 2010

kadang kala terfikir..
am i that worth it..

pengalaman di melb mengajar aku how to interact with community, with people..

i guess, that is y i dont have prob, to attend any intrvw..

cumanya, aku nk ke x nak keje tu..
huhu..

keje yg dpt mcm prvent aku tuk kuar gi prog, u'..

ntah lah..

x tau..

o Allah.. guide one here..
please do..

25 March 2010

i luv my mum..




Come stop your crying, it will be all right
Just take my hand, hold it tight
I will protect you from all around you
I will be here, dont you cry

For one so small,you seem so strong
My arms will hold you keep you safe and warm
This bond between us cant be broken
I will be here dont you cry

And youll be in my heart
Yes, youll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more
Youll be in my heart
No matter what they say
Youll be here in my heart
Always

Why cant they understand the way we feel
They just dont trust what they cant explain
I know were different but deep inside us
Were not that different at all

And youll be in my heart
Yes, youll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more
Youll be in my heart
No matter what they say
Youll be here in my heart
Always

Dont listen to them, cause what do they know
We need each other, to have and to hold
Theyll see in time, I know

When destiny calls you, you must be strong
I may not be with you, but you gotta hold on
Theyll see in time, I know

Well show them together cuz...

Youll be in my heart
I believe, youll be in my heart
Ill be there from this day on
Now and forever more

Youll be in my heart
No matter what they say
Youll be here in my heart always

Always...
Ill be with you
Ill be there for you always
Always and always
Just look over your shoulder
Just look over your shoulder
Just look over your shoulder
Ill be there always..

23 March 2010

my fwens..

will it ever be as b4..
will it ever write again
can the mind ever work as it was..
can it be good to others..as what it shud have been..
things to be wondered as life is not mine to spent as it is..
the head..comes the eyes and jaws
the hands..comes in wrists and fingers..
the chest, brings in the lungs and heart..
the legs..comes what once used to cycle across the countryside..
will it ever..
ever able to move as it was before..again..

p/o

21 March 2010

its funny when you realise..
being far away from ur family is easier than being close to them..
for being close to them, means everything that you do, need to have a say from them..
which one dont think works well with me..
 but i know..
my mum doesnt have my sis n bro to do and bring them whatever n wherever she wants to go..
so, doesnt matter she or me like it or not.. i will have to follow..

20 March 2010

i dunno y
but i keep on writing about a friend..
friendship..
i missed all my friends..
well, those who truly calls me a friend.. which i dont think many..
perhaps only a few.. 1 or 2..
never will i know.. who's my real friend is..
ok..
i kept on reading..
reading books i mean.. books after books..
but i kept on changing..[which means i did not finish reading it n change it..]
no wonder i couldnt concentrate in studying..
i cant keep consistent on 1 book..
just now i tried to study again.. but to nor success

hoho

i need to do sumthing else.. which i am..
writing to a friend.. a sister of mine.. who i wont be meeting till end of this year..
:(

by then, she wont even be free anymore.. for she will have a new life of her own..
k.. i shud stop.. it getting me to go sadder and sadder (if exist such word)

-p/o(pen off)-

14 March 2010

today i realise 1 thing..
ive actually bring a burden to my mum.. my dad..
my whole familu..
i wont event be any use to the world and society,,
my dgree wont make me free of this disease..
i will have to live it thru the end..
i thought it will be ok..
well, its ok now..
but it wont be ok, a year from now..
i cud be cripple by then..
who knows..
only Him, the All Mighty wud know my future being..
how am i suppose to repay my mum,my dad if cudnt even bring myself up..
help me my lord..
ive only U..

12 March 2010

..ya rab..


اللهم ان كان اجلي قد حضر فارحنئ وان
كان متاخرافارفعن وان كان بلا ء فصبرنئ
ys Allah..
if my time to go in thru my pain..
ease it for me...
if is still far..let it go from me..
and if its a test..
let me be patience to it..

for only U who can cure me..
when the gift of sickness is bestowed upon me..
Feeling Blue
ya Rabbi..
join me with the righteous..
forgive me for keep disobeying Ur law.. Ur order..please do forgive me..